1. John Lewis steals love from the hearts of children.
Imagine, if you will, that deep beneath The Underground in London there is a bunker which contains what appears to be a meth lab. This bunker is operational throughout the year however only seven people work there. In this bunker, there are also hundreds of machines that resemble the Tesla Coil. These machines drip a rich pink coloured liquid, which seemingly appears out of thin air, into huge vats. This liquid then goes through a series of experiments until it is transformed into thousands of crystallised rocks. These rocks are then transported to the John Lewis marketing department where those who write the Christmas adverts drink the rocks in their tea.
The liquid and rocks, as you may have guessed, are of course made up of love from the hearts of children throughout Great Britain. John Lewis uses the stolen love to create adverts that make you feel things you were never meant to feel whilst simultaneously making up for all the times you were made to watch Watership Down as a child.
2. Sainsbury’s is ran by an extraterrestrial robot that tries to explain what Christmas is via video clips.
CREATION MODE 000673682: PROGRAMME: iMovie
COMPLETE: HUMAN CHRISTMAS
3. Boots has mistaken teenagers for kindness ninjas.
luk u did me a solid n’ stuff n’ y’know woteva so i went to da boots coz they got dem real nice smellin’ stuff n’ got u sum shit. I cant be deliverin’ ’em 2 u n havin’ cups of tea n all that bollocks ’cause I got shit to do n’ that n’ I dont wont 2 mess up ma image ya know? So if u fink u bein’ haun’ed or burgled on xmas it is me agen but i’m just droppin’ off da stuff. merry Christmaz ballbags, u is mint.
4. Littlewoods’ job is actually to reminds us all Myleene Klass is still alive.
I was worried because I hadn’t seen her on tv for three whole days. Just spreading the message that she is still alive, everyone can calm down.
5. M&S is still boring. Tries really hard anyway.
I really don’t think Mark’s & Spencer’s knows what Christmas is, unless they think it is stealing stuff from people whilst high? Which, hey for some people I’m sure it is, but that’s not the kind of thing I expect loyal M&S customers to be into.
Also, no amount of Alice In Wonderland, Wizard of Oz and Fairy Tale themes, nor Helena Bonham Carter herself, can make me not think about the Transformers franchise here. Not-Megan-Fox lady: urgh.