Alright guys. Game of Thrones is back.
I’ve got my chicken bagel and I’ve got my mango juice, I haven’t watched the catch-up episode so I have no idea what is happening and I’m ready to go. Let’s get those dragons in the skies and boots on the ground.
As always, I cannot keep secrets so unless you’ve seen the episode I recommend leaving right now. Otherwise, the episode will be spoiled, you’ll be mad at me and you know what, this is a joyous day – let’s all just get along.
Right, let’s crack on I need the theme tune in my life.
Shit son I don’t remember any of this – it’s all just “scenes, excitement, characters, explosions!”
I am glad that I don’t have to remember 431,345 main characters and 1,344,532 extras anymore though. As they are all dead.
Cersei’s still doing the lost Gallagher brother thing I see. I seem to remember her saying something about wanting to be born a man, and it seems her transition is well underway. Good luck to you, sir.
I’d still like to Snow Jon’s Winterfell even if he is undead, though Daenerys is the wind beneath my wings.
Walder Frey: a cross between Scrooge McDuck, Gollum and a rusty bicycle. He seems particularly chipper though, s’pose you’ve got to laugh through all the slaughter haven’t you.
I’m going to start saying “proper wine for proper heroes” at all my dingy banquets a la Game of Thrones.
I wouldn’t waste wine on a damn woman either mate. He reminds me of my Grandad so much 💜
If you want something done right you’ve got to do it yourself. With wine.
AH SHIT IT’S ARYA
WHY DID I NOT SEE THAT COMING IT SHOWED HER KILLING HIM AT THE BEGINNING?
AW YEAH THEME SONG TIME
game of thrones! game of thrones! game of thrones!
I am a medieval pirate dead jouster whore dragon warrior!
yo, what dat? This is some Helm’s Deep level stuff, where in the dickens is Jon?
Why is Bran so creepy? Like be humble with this magic stuff, alright. Maybe you got pushed out that window because you were boring and smug, ever think of that?
Edd does not deserve having to put up with Bran so early on in his new job.
There’s Jon, he’s so pretty and dead and pretty.
I have literally no idea what he’s talking about. Is it a Dragonglass hunt, because I’m in? Unless I have to climb any hills and then nah I’m good. This ain’t LOTR. Or is it?
Lyanna Mormont is a feminazi.
Look at Jon planning stuff, encouraging children to go to war, so pretty.
Brienne is there too, god I love these characters.
Ew, Wormtongue or whatever his name is is still here. GO HOME BAELISH NO ONE LIKES YOU.
Yeah stfu Sansa Jon’s prettier than you and he doesn’t want to kick innocent people out of their houses. He didn’t come here to be a bailiff he came here to be pretty… and run Winterfell or something.
What are these kids running, a treehouse? Who are they?
Jon would be such a good dad I love him.
I see you trying to get in his good books Sansa, snaaaake. Nah, I still like you a bit.
I like Tormund, he is definitely going to die. Even Jon knows he is going to die. Brienne better get in there quick.
Oh my god Sansa shut up you don’t know the Night King he’s like an angry Mini Milk.
Oh yeah Cersei’s here too… playing a decadent game of Risk. Or maybe she’s planning her summer getaway to Magaluf. Jaime’s always walking in like “wtf now.”
Danny and Tyrion are coming to get you Cersei aaaaaah SUNS OUT GUNS OUT.
Do you reckon Jaime’s going to kill Cersei at some point?
You know Cersei, if you’re the one with so many enemies you might be the problem. It’s like you haven’t even read my Lifehack portfolio.
They keep talking about their children like they aren’t siblings and I want to vomit. I’m always glad that the incest in Game of Thrones remains a problem for me, I think that says good things about my character.
Good on who ever made those sails, they’re something special.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t The-One-That’s-A-Man-With-A-Penis Greyjoy.
At this point, anyone with a bunch of sour grapes and a shovel should be able to win Cersei over.
Mid-2000s Kerrang! Fan Greyjoy knows about the incest aaaah this guy.
Don’t mug him off mate, he’s trying.
See if they were talking on Tinder I’d know what this “priceless gift” he’s on about is. But they’re not so I don’t.
No one in Westeros blinks I swear.
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, S- ugh, this scene went from Beauty and the Beast to Outlast real quick.
Guess who’s gonna be sick in their mouth? I am gonna be sick in my mouth.
Gah it’s that old man what’s his face! Professor Bridget Jones’ Dad! Has he been in this the whole time? Fam, let Sam have a peak.
Okay, fair point but can he have a look anyway? Oh, he is? You need the invisibility cloak to get in the restricted section?
Brienne, you stocky Pritt stick with a sword, I’ve missed you.
Imagine if we get to the end of the show and Baelish is just sat on the Iron Throne like a prick.
I reckon if the BBC had chosen a MALE Dr Who like GOD INTENDED, he’d have won the Game of Thrones.
OH MY GOD ED SHEERAN PISS OFF.
Is it a pretty song Arya, is it? You can probs get it off iTunes for £0.49.
“Worst place in the world” wow yeah good job, well worth taking me out of the episode to remember you exist.
I actually feel deeply wounded by this appearance, you know. This is an entire scene constructed just for Ed Sheeran and it’s taken me right out of this absolutely bonkers show.
Want to feel old? Ed Sheeran has been famous since 45 AD.
Oh thank God it’s The Hound, let’s get this banter back on track.
What if The Hound and Brienne had monster babies 😍
The Hound and I have very similar feelings about top knots.
Dude, them some sad skeletons.
YOU’RE WEIRDLY FLAMMABLE HOUND DON’T GO NEAR THE FLAMES.
Nothing like a well-shot grave digging scene.
Archbishop of Banterbury is our Hound.
WHO DAT? Why is he all burned up? Is he a Targaeryn? Is he Jorah? Is he one of the 234,764 characters I’ve forgotten about? Is he Sam from a parallel universe? Is he my real dad? I need answers.
MY BAE IS BACK. DAENERYS QUEEN OF EVERYWHERE MOTHER OF MY HEART KHALEESI OF MY LIFE.
Emilia Clarke is such a great actress; her face perfectly encapsulates everything she is feeling without her having to utter a single word.
Okay, I didn’t write a lot down throughout the last scene – it’s captivating. I’m not sure how they’ve managed to make the landscape look like the hard spine of a dragon, but the way they made the music reverb like it was the raw noise of the void, the hoarse voice of the abandoned stone walls that still possess so much strength and potential, was incredible.
Congratulations Game of Thrones. Well chuffed.